Jordan Peterson's Advice on Finding a Woman, Marriage and Having Children

Jordan Peterson's Advice on Finding a Woman, Marriage and Having Children

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Psychology Professor Dr. Jordan B. Peterson gives advice on finding a partner to marry and have kids with. He underlines the positive aspects of marriage and raising children.

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What's my advice to young men seeking a woman for marriage and family? Yeah. Well, okay, fine. That's the same ques – second question. That's, that's pretty straightforward, man. I mean, you can't eliminate the necessity of being attracted to one another. That's important. And that's mysterious, you know. Um. So, for example, here's a funny thing. If you – one of the things we know that attracts people to one another is bilateral symmetry. And so if you take men and you rate them by the symmetry of their faces, and then you give the asymmetrical men t-shirts to wear, clean t-shirts for a day, and the symmetrical men clean t-shirts to wear for a day, and then you give the t-shirts to women and you have them rate the – the odor, the women rate the odor of the symmetrical men as more attractive than the odor of the asymmetrical men. And then, and there are other, uh, factors, that determine sexual attractiveness that are based on biological factors that are so – that deeply embedded, in terms of smell, for example. So, uh, women also tend to, uh, not be sexually attracted to the o – to the scent of men whose – who have, if I remember correctly, it's Rh factors that would make for potential trouble in childbirth. And the – often the reason that the women give for not preferring the scent of those men is that they smell too much like their brother, something like that. So, there's weird, mysterious things that determine whether or not people are sexually and physically attracted to each other, and I think it's very important that that's part of a marital relationship. The next most important thing is trust, man. It's like there's no marriage that's successful without trust. You guys, you've got to tell each other the truth. And one of the reasons that Jung believed that marriage as a – an oath and a — Carl Jung — as a bond was necessary. It's really wise. It's like, you know, telling the truth to someone is no simple thing because there's a bunch of things about all of us that are terrible and weak and reprehensible and shameful and all of those things and they kind of have to be brought out into the open and dealt with, and you're not going to tell the truth about yourself to someone who can run away screaming when you reveal who you are. And so the marriage bond is something like, "Okay here's the deal. I'm going to handcuff myself to you and you're going to handcuff yourself to me. And then we're going to tell each other the truth. and neither of us are going to get to run away. And so our – once we know the truth, then we're either gonna live together in mutual torment or we're gonna try to deal with that truth and straighten ourselves out. And straighten ourselves out jointly. And that's gonna make us more powerful and more resilient and more – and deeper and wiser as we progress together through life. And, and I think that's absolutely brilliant. Because if you leave a backdoor open, man, you're gonna use it, that's for sure. And the oath is there — and this was Jung's commentary on the spiritualization of, of the human pair bond by Christian marriage, for example, which would emphasize, uh, the, the — what would you call it? — the subordination of both members of the marital union to a higher order, uh, personality that was embodied in the figure of the Logos. So the idea is that in an, in an, in the Christian marriage, for example, the man isn't the boss, and the woman isn't the boss. The boss is the mutual personality composed by the seeking of truth in both of them, and that's conceptualized as their, their joint subjugation to the Logos. And that is absolutely dead on, man. It's like the ruler of your marital life should be your vow to tell each other the truth. Because, like, in hard times during your life, when you've done something stupid and idiotic that might take you down, and you don't have anybody that you can turn to, you know, if you have a partner that you can trust, you can go say, "Hey, you know, I made a big financial mistake, man, and it's really torturing me, and I feel like a complete idiot and it's really dangerous. And the person there is gonna help you figure out what to do about it. And they're gonna know that when they make a stupid mistake — and they're bloody well going to — that they can come and talk to you, and that you guys are going to work your way through it. And that's a big deal. And there's a couple of things our culture gets really wrong, and one is it devalues marriage. That's really a very bad idea because marriage is – marriage is like a third of your life and maybe more. And kids are a third of your life. And your, your, your life outside of marriage and kids is a third of your life. You know, approximately speaking. And to miss any of that is a massive, massive mistake. Now, having said that, I will also say that for some people missing one or more of those is necessary, because they have a reason. You know, maybe they're brilliantly creative artists, and they need to devote themselves entirely to their career. Or they're outstanding in some way and so they can justify the sacrifice of one part of that triad of being to another part. But for – but generally speaking, it's a very dangerous thing. And, and, it, it, it shouldn't be done. And also kids get an absolutely terrible rap, you know, because kids are delightful if they're well-behaved. One of the chapters in my new book is called "Don't Let Your Children Do Anything That Makes You Dislike Them." And you can do that, especially if you discuss it thoroughly with your spouse, your – the person that's helping you discipline the kids. And children are the best company, because they're really enthusiastic about everything. They love doing new things. They really love you, so they're happy that you're around. Um, all you have to do is make sure they're not too hot, and they're not too cold, and they've had something to eat, and they're not too tired, and you don't expect them to stay engaged in something for longer than they can manage. 'Cause we used to take our kids when they were little out to restaurants, for example, and they could sit there no problem and behave really nicely when they were two and three. But they couldn't do it for more than about 45 minutes You can't push your luck. But I also noticed with little kids is that they got antsy and unreasonable about five to ten minutes before the adults did, too. It's just the adults were too stupid to notice. The kids would notice right away. So, um. So, back to marriage. Well, you look for someone that you're attracted to, that you love, and then you look for someone that you can bloody well trust. And then you tell them the truth. And, and that way maybe you can get through life, and you can have someone to weave the rope of your being with, and together to make, to make your joint rope stronger. And you can have some continuity in your narrative. And you can have children, and then you can have grandchildren. And, like, you could have a life, man. And there's nothin' – you're so fortunate if you can manage that and so – okay, so there's that one. So, "What's my advice to young men seeking a woman for marriage and family?" Yeah, well. And also, you know, marry someone you think would be a good mother, and that has enough sense, generally speaking, to know that she wants children. Now some women don't want children. And fair enough. And some women perhaps shouldn't have children. That's also possible. But the general rule of thumb is – especially once a woman's, you know, in her mid-twenties – if she doesn't know that she wants children, or won't admit it, unless she has a viciously important reason, then she's not oriented properly, psychologically. She, she, she isn't, she doesn't know what's important in life. Now, that might also be the case with you. And it probably is. But as a rule of thumb that's a really good one.


  1. I wish he further explained what he meant by saying at the very end "shes not oriented properly psychologically… she doesn't know what matters in life" if she doesn't want kids. That's a really curious statement…

  2. Social media and many other things really gave a punch to trust nowdays in a way never seen before. Trust is the foundation of a healthy relationship that can stand thru time but sadly trust is in the most fragile state ever was. To find a trustworthy ethical and high values person to make a healthy and awesome family is really the holy grail of todays relationships when emotional cheating by spending time looking other people for hours per week let alone enganging into random conversations with people you find attractive, online flirting in short, thru social media from your couch is out of control. Good luck everyone

  3. Nice guy. A bit liberal. Husband is the boss. If that's not clear, stay monk single. Also, agree to sex AFTER marriage. That way, even if the sex sucks and you have no chemistry. Tough. Live with it till death. Just keep praying and relying on God. Only option. That's why monk single is safer.

  4. Marriage is a fucking joke. I was married for 8 years, so I know what the hell I am talking about. You wouldn’t handcuff yourself to a woman in the first place if there was no sexual attraction. With that fact in mind, now ask yourself why then agree to close yourself off to all the other millions of potential sex partners and torture yourself the entirety of your life to that one woman? Trust, finances, children, plans, etc, all that because you found her sexually attractive at first? Marriage is a fucking joke. At least I now have the experiences to never make that mistake again.

  5. My main advice is for a man to find a woman who is employed in a good job and earning a decent income. It is very expensive to raise children these days so both parents need to be working and both parents need to help around the house with cooking and cleaning. If one parent is unemployed earn money by selling cookies or something, raising children is not cheap.

    Proverbs 18:11
    The rich man's wealth is his strong city, and as an high wall in his own conceit.

    Money doesn't mean much for most people but in marriage you need money to avoid meaningless arguments and raise children well cause government can take your kids if they are suffering or hungry.

  6. The women nowadays are just pass around hoes and yet they pretend they are a rare gem when they walk down the street. Doesn’t change the fact that they are hoes.

  7. I got it bad for a coworker, i only have eyes for her even though im resolutely not going to date a coworker

    Now im looking around to date and i gotta say its lame that my subconcious or my instinct cant just let her go

    Lame af

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