When kids come into a relationship, they bring their own energy, their own contrast, and even their own drama. As parents, we obviously care for our children. However, kids have their own agendas, and sometimes, we get caught up in our role as parents. Frederic Gobeil and Christy Whitman share how we can stay conscious and connected with our children without getting caught up in all their little dramas.
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ABOUT CHRISTY WHITMAN:
Christy Whitman is a Master Certified Law of Attraction Coach, transformational leader, Celebrity Coach, and the New York Times bestselling author of The Art of Having It All. She has appeared on The Today Show and The Morning Show, and her work has been featured in People Magazine, Seventeen, Woman’s Day, Hollywood Life, and Teen Vogue, among others. Christy is the CEO and founder of the Quantum Success Coaching Academy (QSCA), a 12-month Law of Attraction coaching certification program.
She also created the Quantum Success Learning Academy (QSLA), which delivers personal development online training courses. As a life coach, Christy has helped thousands of people worldwide to achieve their goals through her empowerment seminars, speeches, and coaching sessions and products.
Christy’s life-changing message reaches over 200,000 people a month, and her work has been promoted by and featured with esteemed authors and luminaries such as Marianne Williamson, Dr. Wayne Dyer, Marci Shimoff, Brian Tracy, Neale Donald Walsch, Abraham-Hicks, and Louise Hay. She currently lives in Arizona with her husband, Frederic, and their two boys, Alexander and Maxim. Meet her at www.ChristyWhitman.com, www.QSLA.com, www.TheArtofHavingItAll.com, and www.QuantumSuccessbook.com.
QSCA, Quantum Success Coaching Academy, QSLA, Quantum Success Learning Academy, Law of Attraction coach, Law of Attraction coaching, certified law of attraction coach, life coach, life coach certification, life coach certification online, life coach certification programs, universal law of attraction, 7 universal laws, 7 laws of the universe, abundance mindset, live life abundantly
welcome to conscious coupling where Frederick gobei and Christy Whitman share their experiences of creating a conscious connected relationship every week they give practical tools steps and processes to help you find the loving connection with your partner let's get into today's conversation with Frederick and Christy hey there how are you misty Whitman welcome to our show Frederick who are you who are you this is crispy so this is me do you guys have kids and if you don't then turn off the episode right away this is an episode we're going to talk about because obviously when you have a conscious connected couple and you have kids that are also in part of that relationship how do you stay conscious and connected when the kiddos have their own agendas when they come to the family with their own energy with their own contrast with their own dramas so we wanted to talk about some of the things that we do and one of the things that we're going to talk about is bullies like when you have a situation with a bully and your kids might have that sort of drama what do we do another another aspect that we're going to talk about is how to not get caught up in those roles of being a parent because again you're before you're a parent you're or I'm Frederick I'm myself Christie is Christie thank you and and so we are a couple right to two individuals inside the couple so we have to be careful not to be too wrapped up into our roles of parents yes so we have to parent as a verb and obviously care for our children but I was having a conversation with my girlfriend who was an amazing mom and she was saying that she was having a conversation with a friend of her and her friend said that you know as a parent you're only as happy you're sadist kid and I thought well that's horrible because what that's doing is that's putting all of your feelings and all of your everything really it's your determining your signing your feelings outside on what's happening with your kid so what if you have two kids and one is always drama in drama and the other ones calm and cool and collected does it mean that like for Alex and our family he's more of the theatrical one he's more of the you know screams when he gets hurts and and you know has his little dramas that he has does that mean that I have to match his mood and I can only be as happy as as happy as he is or as sad as he is or get caught up in his drama used to but we don't do that anymore because I realized that I get to keep my own feelings and that my kids they're not really our kids when you think about it they are the Divine's kids they are a gift that we get to have that we get to create that you know each soul that comes to the planet needs a vehicle right and so it takes the sperm in the egg and creates the the baby in the uterus and then the baby comes out and then there were the ones that you know feed the child and take care of it yes I'll teach you later I'll talk to talk to you later it would the one on one of sex and the whole we got two kids really yeah it happens you have sex which is really awesome Wow and that's how we created those two little cutiepie episode let's talk about sex okay now I'm all flustered of sex with how we created those boys talking about energy actually you know what are the the energy of a child is very I'm finding out it's very similar as to the energy of the puppy so so we are learning actually how do how to deal with with our new puppy and it's so true when if we come up with an energy where we match the energy of the puppy all of a sudden the puppy will will continue piddling or will continue to bite us or you know do things that are nip at us and do things that we really don't want him to do and it's very similar to two children right when you win arch has you know a very high theatrical energy for example we just have to make sure that we don't meet him at that level oh my god you're kidding me because then we play into his theatrics right and the more reaction that we give him he then feeds into that and it becomes this really exactly so we kind of keep the energy a little low and having kind of reassure him and just yes always good Alex everything is gonna be fine you know you're you're not hurt all is good you might have been surprised so that his energy can match us so so you could also feel the the security of us if we as parents go into the oh my god you know now the Kia doesn't feel as secure but if he comes to an apparent you know it the kids what they want is they want love and they want structure they want to know that they're safe and by us as parents staying solid in ourselves and not getting reactive and not getting caught up in the drama and they see that we're solid they're gonna trust that and they're gonna feel more safe and we're not like Fredrik said we're not matching that theatrics and it's important to understand that but but really is that you don't get as sad as your saddest kid you know you it's like a signing it's like saying well once I accomplish this thing then I'm gonna be happy right once my kids are healthy and happy and they're on their own then I'm gonna be happy right you get to choose to be happy and joyful in any moment that you have that is our birthright and so we we have kids we had such situation that happened this week where our kids are at a summer day camp and it's a sports camp and Maxim very calmly came in the house and he goes hey mom I have a story to tell you and really calm about it just kind of like nonchalant and he starts telling me that he got this kid who is like three times bigger than him pushed him down on the ground and basically jumped which we now know he fell on his face he said he jumped on his face he jumped he sat on my face who are like I don't wait what and so he hears this as he's coming in the house no they're literally walking in the door and so Frederick's like why didn't you tell me this when we were there because nobody informed him you know and and so Alex said but I took care of it I took care of it I'm like what do you mean so so the kid jumps on pushes Maxim to the ground jumps on him or actually falls on him and out Maxim couldn't do anything to defend himself and get up and so Alex his big brother literally picked the kid off of him which is also like two sides two sizes bigger than Alex picks the kid off of him and took care of it and he protected his brother so there was this like constant talking about the situation that entire night and I was like okay let's just figure it out what are we gonna do do we have to call the kids I'll text the guy from the the camp to make sure he's aware of this because you know that kid's parents need a warning because that that can't happen that cat that kid can't go around bullying kids we're wanting our kids to be in there in a safe place and so I did what I needed to do as a parent to calmly take care of the situation so that this doesn't happen again Frederick and the boys kept talking about it and they were getting caught in the drama and I could see he wasn't with me that evening we even went on a walk and he's like let me call Tom I want to find out what he knows and you know it is he got caught up in the drama so just just to say that we're not always you know in in our right mind you know in our head you know kind of they always kind of trying to verify okay I mean no I'm not in the bright state of emotional state right now maybe I'm maybe I should back down and sometimes it does happen like don't worry we're human I wasn't in the right state of mind I got caught up in it I was like why is my boy being hurt why well I can't he defend himself he he's got karate he knows karate he had karate lessons and I was asking Maxim how come you couldn't escape from from his hole then and basically stopped him from pushing you around and and so it got to me for me it was it was very personal there there is a personal button that was pushed also inside of me that I realized coming from my childhood and so and so I felt that and I and I was in it I was I was in it I wasn't able to console max or or even tell him everything is gonna be fine only after I was able to kind of regain and and and come back to my adult space more probably more towards the end of the night and towards in the morning when I decided all right I needed to go speak to the counselors the head counselors to make sure that the situation was being handled the right way and in a in a way that we were going to be pleased with as well yeah but the thing when I'm making here is that not all of you not both of you at one time when you have kids when you have some kind of drama that's happening if you have one person that has there their energy said I was solid I was like okay so what are the things that we have to do right I understand this happen are you hurt let me do some healing work on you I helped him cuz he is his face was red and his jaw was upset Frederick you know took pictures to show that he had a red face I mean there's things and actions that we need to do he set up you know so that he was gonna go there at 8:30 in the morning and talked to the counselor but I was really solid that okay this situation happened this is their drama this is their contrast that they're having to deal with this is their lessons especially maxims that he's like his life experience and I'm gonna do everything I can as a caring loving parent I hugged him I consoled him I healed him is his jaw and then you know we looked for solutions but sometimes you're gonna have one parent that gets caught up in it I mean it was it was personal to him and I had to keep saying babe it's okay babe we'll figure it out what there's a solution for this right and he was able to come out of it it wasn't like it was days and weeks but he had a process through his own stuff sometimes the roles are reversed we'll all get up you know I'll get hooked in right and he'll be really solid and I get to look at him and go and him with his reassurance that you're kind of getting caught in the drama that and it's like it's a nice reminder so when you have this understanding in your couple that the kids are going to come with drama they're noisy they're loud they they've got things where they think that if something is happening it's like forever I mean Alex hurt himself a week ago and in playing soccer and you know Frederick called me and said I don't know what to do I think he might have broke his wrist or his arm you know we don't know what to do and it was like okay I'm coming home and I came home and he was bawling and crying and he was oh is that it because he thought that like his wrist was going to be broken for the rest of his life and he was in pain and it's like as a little child their brains haven't developed our brain development ends the full development around the age of 24 and that's the prefrontal cortex which tells us that we can see into the future that things are going to be okay so when they're little kids something happens to them they get their heart broken or a friend says they don't want to be friends with them anymore or it's a bully picks on or they hurt themselves you know we as parents have to stay in our adult space and be able to reassure the child but one of the parents could get caught up that maybe that happened to you as a kid and you know maybe you also got your heart broken and now it's like it's bringing up that space in you you know it's like it's up to us in our own development whatever age your kids are to be older than your kids are right so to be more conscious about you know what's happening to you because it's easy it's easy to say oh my god you know what's happening with your wrist why you like that why didn't you be careful you know and go on and on and be again involved in that drama and and not knowing how to how to respond in a mature adult way and and just knowing that this is your child and it might be it might be activating and pushing some buttons that you know you you had where you had situations earlier on in your childhood and that's a difference between having a you know being in a conscious couple versus unconscious couple and by the way that and that leads me to say if you want to know more about you know functioning in a conscious kind of way with your couple go to connected coupling calm fill out the form that we have and will be able to help out and give you some steps and and what things to do in order to be in a more of a conscious loving couple verses and unconscious a couple of couple yeah so you know in all those cases you know like Alex with his wrist he just I could see it in his eyes as soon as I started to say you're gonna be fine it's gonna get better you didn't break your wrist you didn't break your arm I know it hurts breathe you know then he started to calm down then he stopped crying and so it's us as the parents that need to be in that steadfast place that need to be in that grounded place if we're getting you know if we get into that it's like Rama like the puppy like Frederic was saying oh my god Jaime he's gonna pedal all over the place right his energy is gonna match my energy and get excited so when I calmly see him now and go ahead no he's more calmer you know and when I'm calming when I'm calm my kids can be calm and it's just important to not get caught up in their drama it is easier said than done we all have our our mishaps but it's it's good to be aware of what's going on so then you can be in the right right place afterwards yeah and so the other thing I want to talk about real quick today is that Frederic and I a couple years ago put into place a family contract we put in a contract when we got our kids the was the Xbox of you know this is a privilege and you're gonna do so many different things to be able to earn points to play you're not gonna play during the week you're gonna play you know only on the weekends and you're gonna have to earn through what you do making your bed brushing your teeth getting yourself ready in the morning through those things to be able to earn points to play and then once we started getting with that practice it really worked out well because they understood what the expectations are with us with that game you know what we expect what we expect of them what they can expect of us how they earn privileges everything was written out we had them sign it that and we then extended it and we call it our family contract and each boy alex has one max has one they're very similar but one of the things was you know we would have Alex come downstairs and he was grumpy in the morning he wouldn't say good morning to us so the very first rule on there was you say good morning to every member of the family with a smile and so now he does that he comes down and he might be sleepy entire B's like morning dad morning max good morning mom makes it so much more pleasant than her ah you know they're just not saying anything right ignoring us because his mood or his face and he might not be in a bad mood but his face he's just waking up and right good to hear that you know he's saying good morning to us yeah and so when we also another thing that's on both boys contracts is you know when we ask you when weak request that you do something you say okay yes dad got you with a smile we don't want to hear yeah but or you know all these other rebuttals and things like that when we're asking you to do something because we need your help we want to hear okay dad okay mom with a smile and so listen you know we listen and respond there's there's other things we were having oh it was an accident that I hit my brother but the accidents kept happening everyday so there's no hitting no biting no punching no any of these kind of things and that's on the contract and so what we do with this contract is we've gamified life for them we have five different categories levels and they earn so many points and they earn points for if they do the dishes they'll like unload the dishwasher and they get points for that are our kids at ages 7 and 8 we're actually at a younger age and taught them to do it at 2 and 3 but at 7 and 8 and now at 8 and 10 are consistently helping us unload the dishwasher they also do the laundry now so they start loads of laundry they'll take the laundry from the rooms they'll put it in they'll sort it and they get points for that they get points for picking up Jax's poop our puppies poop you know they get points for diff and things and it's helping them get involved in the family and it's helping them get along better and that if they break any of those rules and we all have signed it if they break any of those rules they lose all of their points and they can only go to the level one for the rest of the week so it has them thinking and becoming more conscious about their what they're doing in the family and that how they're helping helping their parents out yeah that's the important thing is that they're helping around the house they're they're actually creating creating less work for us that's what we tell them and and in that way they're helping and and at the same time as their effort is being rewarded yeah and so we're teaching them that when you do something of value you get something back of value that's work I mean that's we're teaching them at a young age but we're also teaching them the way that the universal laws work law of attraction what you give out you get back and so as they are helping you get a reward we're not going to reward them and just give them stuff for not helping not doing something or if you know they're acting rude to each other or you know fighting and stuff like that we're not rewarding that behavior we're giving them a consequence for that they might lose some points so we've gamified life that might be different allowance that they get or game time that they get or extra cuddle time or you know different gifts or things that we get them like maybe we go okay you got you hit level five this week let's go in Amazon and get you a gift or a toy or a pokemon card or whatever it is and they love it and it's really working for our family and it has taken the drama out of the family because everything's in black and white it's like Alex you just punched your brother it was an accident really you've lost all your points right so see that it actually helps us kind of kind of be centered right stay centered and not not be like oh my god why'd you punch him in the face what happened cuz that can happen too that has happened right sometimes I'm wondering why why is he hitting his there like that and and so it's it's they're brothers they're they'll fight they'll they'll be there'll be some wrestling around that happens but I mean he's got to be aware that you know that that punch that goes in the face that's got a that has consequences basically right now for for him and so yeah it helps them figure out that whatever they do there there's either a reward or there's a consequence that for it and then we we don't need to again be in a state of you know big drama and we just need to be clear of okay well this is not part of the contour this is part of the contract and in the contract there's all the points taken off or there's so many points that we we we give you yeah it's great to reward them to I mean the boys came home with their report cards and it they had both of them had amazing report cards and we were able to give him tons of points so it's a way of saying wow I just noticed that you helped your brother with that and I'm really impressed with that or Alex when he helped with the kid that was bullying you know Maxim or hurt Maxim like we gave them points for that so it's a really great way to say you're doing a really great job pre appreciate what how you're helping us here are some points and it's a great way to not get the emotions involved it creates structure for the family and it helps with the drama not just for them but the reactions that we also have in like Frederick was saying instead of getting all upset it's like you know what the consequences are you know what the rules are there's a structure that they they're clear on they know what the expectations are so if you want more information go to connected coupling com please leave us a comment we want to know what questions can we answer for you what situations are you mulling over in your head maybe with kids maybe you're in your couple or happy to answer it on these shows so please come back and leave us a comment and thank you so much for watching thank you for miss so much for participating next week we are going to be talking about how to manage the day-to-day responsibilities talking about laundry and dishes and garbage and all that kind of stuff so be sure to come back see you next week thanks for listening to conscious coupling with Frederick obey and Christy Whitman if you liked our show and want to know more check out christywhitman.com and please leave us a review on iTunes learn how to turn your partner into your soulmate join us again next week for another powerful episode